In a relationship that has passed the test of difficult times, topics can be raised not only about an early wedding, but also about the next, even more fateful steps of expanding a young family 🙂 We have prepared a list of questions that you should ask your partner if you have started thinking about children.
There are no topics related to finances, deadlines and other practical things, because it is very individual in each individual couple. We decided to focus on psychological readiness and your ideas about parenthood.
1. Why do you want to have children?
It is very logical to start the conversation with this question. It is worth understanding how seriously you both take this topic, what your motivation is and whether you equally understand all responsibility.
And even after this question, you can listen to a lot of nice things about yourself and your relationship 🙂 Because if a man dares to have a child, it means that he is very comfortable in your still small family and he sees you as very special, since he is ready to take new responsible steps with you.
2. What do you think it is like to be a father?
Discuss with your loved one how you imagine parenthood: what new obligations it brings for you, how you will need to adjust your life to new conditions, what work on yourself and relationships will have to be done in advance or already after the arrival of the baby. However, do not focus only on difficulties, because a child can strengthen your family even more and bring many incredible moments into life 🙂
3. What challenges do you think we might face?
Of course, everyone wants to be good parents and give their kids a happy childhood and healthy relationships in old age. However, as adults, you may be aware of your shortcomings or certain qualities that can complicate the upbringing process: for example, irritability, a busy work schedule or excessive indulgence towards all small and cute creatures 🙂 It is better to recognize such problem areas in advance and think together how you you can work on yourself and your relationship to minimize their negative impact.
4. Child and technology
Mobile phones, tablets, TV and stable Internet access — all this, on the one hand, has made life easier for parents, but on the other hand, it has added reasons for arguments and worries about the rules for using gadgets. It is worth finding out how each of you feels about the use of technology by your child: how much time a day he will be allowed to use a tablet with cartoons, in which cases, how you will monitor the consumption of content.
5. How do you think parental responsibilities should be shared?
It is worth discussing on the shore what ideas you have about a comfortable division of responsibilities. Otherwise, in postpartum stress, against the background of misunderstandings on this matter, large-scale conflicts and resentments can arise, which will worsen the already difficult period in the family. Of course, no one expects specifics from you at such an early stage of planning a child, but it is worth at least roughly outlining the future system of responsibilities and mutual assistance.
6. What forms of education and discipline do you want to use?
The system of punishments and incentives is the foundation of productive education. Discuss which forms of punishment you consider acceptable and effective, and which are taboo for you. In this matter, the experience of your own childhood will also help you: remember what emotions you felt during various punishments, and it will be easier for you to decide what you do not want to doom your future baby.
7. What do you consider pampering a child?
Of course, any loving parents strive to provide the baby with the best, caress and pamper him. However, decide what for each of you is the crossing of the border when the child already “sits on his head”. You should come to a common position on this issue so that, firstly, you don’t irritate each other in the future, and secondly, so that you can then convey these rules to your grandparents as well 🙂
8. What qualities do you want to bring up in your child?
Parenthood is not only about feeding, washing and putting to bed; it is also the education of a separate personality, investing in it certain values, moral guidelines and qualities. And it is very important that parents at the start agree on exactly what they want to develop in their child, so that he has a clear picture of adults’ expectations and understanding of their position.
To make the conversation seem more constructive, you can visualize these ideas. Write a list of qualities and values that you would like to see in your future baby, and then — ways to raise such a personality. For example, if it is important for you to teach your child financial responsibility, you need to set up a pocket money system from an early age, teach him to save and save for big purchases.
9. Describe a typical weekend with your child
This little imagination exercise will help you define your expectations of the parenting routine, and may even inspire you to make this decision sooner 🙂 Imagine what you think your joint family weekend will look like: what each member of the family will do, what the approximate schedule might look like. Perhaps it will occur to you to start a tradition — sumptuous breakfasts, games in the park, joint creativity.
10. What do you want to do differently than your parents?
The most important educational experience with which we enter adulthood is the example of our own parents. Their pattern of behavior affects not only the formation of your personality, but also how you (often unconsciously) will treat your own children in the future.
Ask your chosen one what mistakes or actions of his parents, in his opinion, had a negative effect on him. It is important not only to find wrong parenting strategies and their consequences, but also to discuss alternatives that feel more correct to you.
11. What do you think is good about your upbringing?
Don’t scold the past generation, you should also express gratitude in absentia 🙂 Discuss what cool solutions and strategies your parents used and whether you want to reproduce them in your own parenting experience. However, keep in mind that due to the time difference, some points will have to be adapted to more modern conditions.
12. What do you not want to change in your life after having a child?
Children really fundamentally change our lives, both globally and in small things that we did not even think about when making this decision. However, putting your own life on the sacrificial altar of posterity is a failed strategy that will negatively affect you, your marriage, and your children. Think together what habits, rituals, life goals you are not ready to change due to the appearance of children, so as not to lose the taste for life.
Of course, a lot will have to be given up in the first months after the arrival of the baby, but you can discuss some compromise solutions that will help you not to go through the roof at first 🙂 The main thing is the willingness of both future parents to help each other preserve their personalities with the appearance of children.