Con­flicts and con­flicts of inter­est are nor­mal in any rela­tion­ship and are not a death sen­tence. How­ev­er, it is impor­tant to be able to estab­lish a con­nec­tion after the end of the quar­rel, so that your rela­tion­ship becomes even stronger, and the unpleas­ant after­taste dis­ap­pears. Chan­fash­ion pre­pared a list of 8 ques­tions that should be dis­cussed with a part­ner after a con­flict.

Of course, no one forces you to go through the entire check­list after the small­est quar­rel 🙂 How­ev­er, these ques­tions will help you recov­er and become even clos­er after con­flicts that have affect­ed you emo­tion­al­ly.

1. Why do you think this happened?

In resolv­ing the con­flict, it is very impor­tant to under­stand its ori­gins and to sep­a­rate the main rea­son and the minor rea­son that became the trig­ger for the quar­rel. For exam­ple, in a quar­rel over dirty dish­es, the same dish­es are only a pre­text, the “last straw”, and the real rea­son may lie in the incor­rect dis­tri­b­u­tion of respon­si­bil­i­ties, fatigue, and there­fore irri­tabil­i­ty of one of the part­ners, or the sub­jec­tive feel­ing that one of the cou­ple has cooled down and there­fore devotes less time to the oth­er half.

Find out togeth­er where the main cause of the past quar­rel lies, and what was the trig­ger for the start of the con­flict.

2. What do you need to move on and fully feel connected?

Even when the scan­dal end­ed with rec­on­cil­i­a­tion and for­mal­ly every­thing is fine, an unpleas­ant after­taste and chill between part­ners may remain for some time. It’s as if the rem­nants of irri­tabil­i­ty pre­vent you from show­ing ten­der­ness and feel­ing com­fort­able with­out extra thought. Dis­cuss how each oth­er’s actions will help you recon­nect and feel at peace again. Some peo­ple need time to cool down, oth­ers are fine with a sud­den date with­out talk­ing about quar­rels and every­day life, and for some, on the con­trary, you need to talk about the prob­lem to the end.

3. Do you still have resentments that you want to express?

What­ev­er the desire for a faster rec­on­cil­i­a­tion and end­ing the con­flict, it is much more use­ful to exhaust and dis­cuss togeth­er all the griev­ances to the last. Oth­er­wise, such silence will not only cause a new quar­rel very soon, but will also imper­cep­ti­bly poi­son the rela­tion­ship and both part­ners with pas­sive aggres­sion or a sense of own worth­less­ness. Believe me, you don’t need such self-sab­o­tage, so say every­thing that hurts you and give each oth­er reas­sur­ance of feel­ings.

See also
Spring wedding bouquets

4. Did you think about anyone else while we were fighting?

It often hap­pens that we “bring” feel­ings from oth­er rela­tion­ships to quar­rels with our sig­nif­i­cant oth­er. Unlived resent­ments against par­ents or exes can remind of one­self in crit­i­cal sit­u­a­tions and increase emo­tion­al inten­si­ty. For exam­ple, your sig­nif­i­cant oth­er always accept­ed your jokes with humor, but some sil­ly phrase about an unsuc­cess­ful new hair­style led to a huge scan­dal. From the out­side, it may seem that this is unnec­es­sary dra­ma and you did not mean any­thing bad at all, but if in a past rela­tion­ship your part­ner con­stant­ly faced deval­u­a­tion and crit­i­cism of appear­ance, these past suf­fer­ings may have sur­faced due to this joke-trig­ger. In this case, a per­son feels a lot of aggres­sion, which he can­not address to the real offend­er, so the one who is clos­er gets the bet­ter of him.

It is worth find­ing out whether in your con­flict there was a sim­i­lar “pulling up” of past griev­ances on oth­er peo­ple. This will help in the future to bet­ter under­stand each oth­er’s pain points and bypass them in order to treat your loved one with more care. The main thing is not to take painful mem­o­ries of exes per­son­al­ly at your expense — they are only past expe­ri­ences and togeth­er you can min­i­mize their impact on your own rela­tion­ships.

5. Do you think we understood each other’s points of view?

An impor­tant skill in rela­tion­ships is the abil­i­ty to put your­self in anoth­er per­son­’s place, try to try on their feel­ings and point of view. Of course, when the emo­tion­al lev­el is already at the lim­it, this num­ber is avail­able only to pro­fes­sion­als, but a lit­tle lat­er it is worth try­ing to under­stand the argu­ments of the oth­er side, not for­get­ting about their back­ground, emo­tion­al state and oth­er cir­cum­stances. Only when both of you have actu­al­ly gone through this path can the con­flict be con­sid­ered exhaust­ed.

See also
Wedding dress as a guest

6. Do you think that this fight is just part of a bigger problem that we have to solve?

As we empha­sized in the very first ques­tion, we need to dis­tin­guish between caus­es and rea­sons. Yes, some­times there are real­ly pet­ty quar­rels that were more caused by exter­nal fac­tors or sim­ply an unpleas­ant coin­ci­dence of cir­cum­stances. But if you notice that con­flicts often arise on the same top­ic, or dur­ing a quar­rel, com­plete­ly dif­fer­ent, deep­er resent­ments begin to sur­face, you should look for a real rea­son or a com­mon theme. If you can find and deal with the root, most of the side squab­bles will resolve them­selves.

7. Did I do or say something wrong during the argument?

Some­times, in the midst of an argu­ment, we can cross the line: reach per­son­al insults, raise our voice, etc., which scares the oth­er half. Yes, fig­ur­ing out a rela­tion­ship is always unpleas­ant. But it is one thing when we feel neg­a­tive because of the sit­u­a­tion itself, it is unpleas­ant for us to admit wrong­ness, etc., and it is quite anoth­er thing when we intim­i­date and emo­tion­al­ly destroy a loved one. It may hap­pen that it was nor­mal for your par­ents to raise their voice, so you calm­ly accept this, but your sig­nif­i­cant oth­er does not trans­fer this atti­tude to his address.

Find out your per­son­al bound­aries in con­flicts, which should not be crossed next time.

8. Do you know how much I love and appreciate you?

The most impor­tant thing after and dur­ing fights is to remem­ber that this is not your bat­tle against each oth­er. And the bat­tle of both of you is against a com­mon prob­lem. We all have dif­fer­ent tem­pera­ments and some­times we can say cru­el and unpleas­ant things that we don’t even think about our part­ner. Remind your loved one of your feel­ings for them — this will help both of you recov­er from an argu­ment and switch from aggres­sion to more pleas­ant emo­tions.

See also
why is it needed and how to make it yourself?