Conflicts and conflicts of interest are normal in any relationship and are not a death sentence. However, it is important to be able to establish a connection after the end of the quarrel, so that your relationship becomes even stronger, and the unpleasant aftertaste disappears. Chanfashion prepared a list of 8 questions that should be discussed with a partner after a conflict.
Of course, no one forces you to go through the entire checklist after the smallest quarrel 🙂 However, these questions will help you recover and become even closer after conflicts that have affected you emotionally.
1. Why do you think this happened?
In resolving the conflict, it is very important to understand its origins and to separate the main reason and the minor reason that became the trigger for the quarrel. For example, in a quarrel over dirty dishes, the same dishes are only a pretext, the “last straw”, and the real reason may lie in the incorrect distribution of responsibilities, fatigue, and therefore irritability of one of the partners, or the subjective feeling that one of the couple has cooled down and therefore devotes less time to the other half.
Find out together where the main cause of the past quarrel lies, and what was the trigger for the start of the conflict.
2. What do you need to move on and fully feel connected?
Even when the scandal ended with reconciliation and formally everything is fine, an unpleasant aftertaste and chill between partners may remain for some time. It’s as if the remnants of irritability prevent you from showing tenderness and feeling comfortable without extra thought. Discuss how each other’s actions will help you reconnect and feel at peace again. Some people need time to cool down, others are fine with a sudden date without talking about quarrels and everyday life, and for some, on the contrary, you need to talk about the problem to the end.
3. Do you still have resentments that you want to express?
Whatever the desire for a faster reconciliation and ending the conflict, it is much more useful to exhaust and discuss together all the grievances to the last. Otherwise, such silence will not only cause a new quarrel very soon, but will also imperceptibly poison the relationship and both partners with passive aggression or a sense of own worthlessness. Believe me, you don’t need such self-sabotage, so say everything that hurts you and give each other reassurance of feelings.
4. Did you think about anyone else while we were fighting?
It often happens that we “bring” feelings from other relationships to quarrels with our significant other. Unlived resentments against parents or exes can remind of oneself in critical situations and increase emotional intensity. For example, your significant other always accepted your jokes with humor, but some silly phrase about an unsuccessful new hairstyle led to a huge scandal. From the outside, it may seem that this is unnecessary drama and you did not mean anything bad at all, but if in a past relationship your partner constantly faced devaluation and criticism of appearance, these past sufferings may have surfaced due to this joke-trigger. In this case, a person feels a lot of aggression, which he cannot address to the real offender, so the one who is closer gets the better of him.
It is worth finding out whether in your conflict there was a similar “pulling up” of past grievances on other people. This will help in the future to better understand each other’s pain points and bypass them in order to treat your loved one with more care. The main thing is not to take painful memories of exes personally at your expense — they are only past experiences and together you can minimize their impact on your own relationships.
5. Do you think we understood each other’s points of view?
An important skill in relationships is the ability to put yourself in another person’s place, try to try on their feelings and point of view. Of course, when the emotional level is already at the limit, this number is available only to professionals, but a little later it is worth trying to understand the arguments of the other side, not forgetting about their background, emotional state and other circumstances. Only when both of you have actually gone through this path can the conflict be considered exhausted.
6. Do you think that this fight is just part of a bigger problem that we have to solve?
As we emphasized in the very first question, we need to distinguish between causes and reasons. Yes, sometimes there are really petty quarrels that were more caused by external factors or simply an unpleasant coincidence of circumstances. But if you notice that conflicts often arise on the same topic, or during a quarrel, completely different, deeper resentments begin to surface, you should look for a real reason or a common theme. If you can find and deal with the root, most of the side squabbles will resolve themselves.
7. Did I do or say something wrong during the argument?
Sometimes, in the midst of an argument, we can cross the line: reach personal insults, raise our voice, etc., which scares the other half. Yes, figuring out a relationship is always unpleasant. But it is one thing when we feel negative because of the situation itself, it is unpleasant for us to admit wrongness, etc., and it is quite another thing when we intimidate and emotionally destroy a loved one. It may happen that it was normal for your parents to raise their voice, so you calmly accept this, but your significant other does not transfer this attitude to his address.
Find out your personal boundaries in conflicts, which should not be crossed next time.
8. Do you know how much I love and appreciate you?
The most important thing after and during fights is to remember that this is not your battle against each other. And the battle of both of you is against a common problem. We all have different temperaments and sometimes we can say cruel and unpleasant things that we don’t even think about our partner. Remind your loved one of your feelings for them — this will help both of you recover from an argument and switch from aggression to more pleasant emotions.